Drop Questionnaires, Not Bombs: How To Tell A Syrian Moderate

Distinguishing Friends From Enemies

It’s tough distinguishing friends from enemies, especially when allies don’t agree who the enemies are, and our enemies have the same primary goal as us!

For example, please note Syria Rebels Dismayed by US Air Attacks on Non-Isis Groups.

In the course of Syria’s nearly four-year civil war, Ahmed Hamadi an anti-regime rebel, often hoped western intervention would help his cause. But when it finally came, it killed his neighbours and their children.

“We asked for western strikes to come and support our fight to free Syria, not to kill us,” sighed the Army of Islam fighter. He described by phone how he pulled out the bodies of women and children from the wreckage of a residential building destroyed in the village of Kafr Daryan, about 50km west of Aleppo.

Collateral Damage to Moderates

The problem for Ahmed Hamadi was that no one could possibly tell him and the moderate 3-year old kids from real extremists and their extremist 3-year old kids.

This may be shocking news, but not even John McCain can tell the difference.

Want proof?

Well, who doesn’t these days? So here goes: Oops! Sen. McCain Met Syrian Rebels Accused of Kidnapping.

If you want more proof, please see Strange Bedfellows: To Fight ISIS, US Now Supports Iranian Revolutionary Guard, Other Terror Groups.

Solution Offered

Far be it from me to stand back and criticize others without offering solid proposals at least as good as those coming Washington D.C., especially senator McCain, president Obama, and Hillary Clinton.

The clear solution to the problem at hand is to come up with a simple scheme that will allow us to identify the good guys and the bad guys.

I propose shirts that say “I am a moderate”, or better yet “I am a good guy” and “I am a bad guy”.

In addition, I also propose shirts that say “I am a 3-year old Potential Extremist” and “I am a 3-year old Probable Moderate” to separate the bad 3-year old kids from the good 3-year old kids.

Shirts may be difficult to read, so we need to color-code them.

Finally, before we can pass out the color-coded shirts, we need to take applications.

Moderate Rebel Application Form

New Yorker columnist Andy Borowitz devised the perfect Moderate Syrian Rebel Application Form.

To eliminate potential mistakes by all involved, there are only six questions on the application:

1. As a Syrian rebel, I think the word or phrase that best describes me is:
A) Moderate
B) Very moderate
C) Crazy moderate
D) Other

2. I became a Syrian rebel because I believe in:
A) Truth
B) Justice
C) The American Way
D) Creating an Islamic caliphate

3. If I were given a highly lethal automatic weapon by the United States, I would:
A) Only kill exactly the people that the United States wanted me to kill
B) Try to kill the right people, with the caveat that I have never used an automatic weapon before
C) Kill people only after submitting them to a rigorous vetting process
D) Immediately let the weapon fall into the wrong hands

4. I have previously received weapons from:
A) Al Qaeda
B) The Taliban
C) North Korea
D) I did not receive weapons from any of them because after they vetted me I was deemed way too moderate

5. I consider ISIS:
A) An existential threat to Iraq
B) An existential threat to Syria
C) An existential threat to Iraq and Syria
D) The people who will pick up my American weapon after I drop it and run away

6. Complete the following sentence. “American weapons are…”
A) Always a good thing to randomly add to any international hot spot
B) Exactly what this raging civil war has been missing for the past three years
C) Best when used moderately
D) Super easy to resell online

Sheer Brilliance

If the above application form by Andy Borowitz is not brilliant, what is?

Coupled with passing out color-coded shirts based on the results, the overall process seems foolproof. A couple of questions will easily explain:

Q1: If this plan had been in place would McCain have had his picture taken with kidnappers?
Q2: If Obama had this plan in place, would he have blown up the friends and neighbors of Ahmed Hamadi?

The answer of course is “clearly not”.

Fallback Plan

Nonetheless, I can hear the naysayers spoofing my plan already. For example, some may claim color-coding will fail because Obama, McCain, and some fighter pilots are color blind. Others may wonder if Obama can read without a teleprompter.

As for ability to read, rest assured, Obama is not going anywhere near Syria.

Admittedly, color-blindness is a legitimate concern. However, I am quite sure if we all pray hard enough, color blindness can be cured overnight.

It takes the perfect prayer, and I penned it just this evening.

The Moderate’s Prayer

Al Qaeda Who Art in Syria
Moderates Be Thy Name
Damascus Come
Assad Be Done
The Almighty Obama Has Said
Give us this Day
Our John McCain
And Lead us Not into China
But Deliver us from Russia

It’s Foolproof!

My plan is not only far better than anything Obama and McCain have come up with, it’s actually foolproof!

In fact, the Moderate’s Prayer alone is so good, I now propose we not waste money on applications, shirts, or bombs.

All we have to do is recite the above prayer enough times and moderates will win the day. Please do your part!

Mike “Mish” Shedlock